The art of forgiveness : Why holding a grudge hurts us

Forgiveness is sometimes thought of as doing something nice for other people, but it’s actually a very deep psychological and emotional process that ultimately benefits the person who forgives. Retaining grudges can be justified-feeling-nearly-neccessary, as if continuing to hold onto the hurt will keep us from getting hurt again. Yet, underneath the surface, grudges are like chains that hold us to our past, trapping us in a chain of resentment, anger, and, in some instances, self-destruction. Let’s get real—holding a grudge is empowering.

That anger, that resentment, that voice in your head that says, “They don’t deserve my forgiveness.” It’s a shield, it’s a weapon, it’s a reminder that you were hurt. But here’s the thing: that grudge? It’s not helping you. It’s harming you. Consider this. Has resenting ever actually made you feel better in the end? Or does it simmer on the inside, becoming stress, anxiety, and burnout? Forgiveness isn’t letting the other person off the hook—it’s letting you off the hook. It’s about releasing mental and emotional space that’s already taken by someone who may not even be thinking of you. Sounds unjust, huh? You’re suffering while they continue living. Why do we do this to ourselves, then? The fact is, our brains are designed for holding on to resentment. They have a primitive purpose: protection.

Your brain desires to recall pain so you won’t fall into the same trap twice. But in the modern world, that old survival mechanism isn’t always an asset—it simply keeps us locked in. Our brains yearn for fairness. If we’re wronged, we want to see our wrongdoer punished. When that doesn’t occur, retaining the grudge seems like a means of balancing the books—except it doesn’t. It only keeps you living in the past while they get on with their lives. The brain files pain like a repeat playlist. Each time you relive the moment, your body and mind respond as if it’s occurring again. That’s why a five-year-old grudge can still make you mad today. At times, a grudge becomes a part of ourselves. We make it our identity: “I was betrayed.” “I was wronged.” And forgiveness? It can feel like letting go of a piece of ourselves—like admitting the pain didn’t matter.

But that’s a lie. Forgiving doesn’t erase what happened. It simply stops it from controlling you. Science backs this up: holding onto resentment has real effects on your health. Studies show it increases stress, weakens your immune system, and even raises your risk of heart disease. Think about that. The individual who harmed you isn’t just occupying room in your brain—they might actually be ill-making you. Emotionally, things get much worse. When you harbor resentment, you begin viewing the world in shades of suspicion. You construct walls. You assume the worst.

You shut yourself off from individuals who haven’t harmed you, simply because someone hurt you before. And here’s the craziest thing: the person you’re holding the grudge against? They may not even remember what they did. Or they do, and they don’t care. Either way, you are the one hurting. So, if forgiveness isn’t about saying “It’s okay,” what is it about? It’s about taking back your peace. Here’s how you begin: Face the pain. Don’t avoid it. Don’t minimize it.

Sit with it. Recognize what occurred and how it affected you. Change your point of view. What if this individual harmed you because they were in pain themselves? What if they acted out of ignorance, fear, or their own unresolved pain? Understanding is not excusing—but it can make releasing simpler. Stop holding out for an apology. You may never receive one. And if you do, it may not be the apology you desire. Forgiveness isn’t about them fixing it—it’s about you deciding you’re finished carrying around the load. Free yourself. Write a letter that you’ll never send.

Say the things that you have to say. Then burn it. Rip it up. Enjoy the release. You don’t have to forget—you just have to stop allowing it to own you. Ultimately, forgiveness has nothing to do with them. It has to do with you. It has to do with taking away someone else’s power over your happiness. It has to do with taking back your energy, your peace, and your future. So the question is: is keeping this hurt really worth it? Or is it time to finally release and reclaim your power?